it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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