My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
