Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
it glows. i had to have it.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
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