He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
