2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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