Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
