I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
