Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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