he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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