So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
