Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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