there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Randomize
