Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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