Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
