what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
