Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
