I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
