i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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