i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
