I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
