I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize