Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
