I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
