Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
