I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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