You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize