I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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