My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
