Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
