The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
