I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
