Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
