Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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