guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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