do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
