So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
