I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
