i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
