it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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