OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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