shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
