this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
