And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
