The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
