someone threw a dead crab at me
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
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