I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
