I wish I could punch you in the face.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
