Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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