it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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