At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
