There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
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Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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