No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
