Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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