i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
