where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
she told me i tasted like america
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
