just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
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