i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Randomize
