i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
