its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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