I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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