after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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